“You get onto the kids so much!”
“Well, if you weren’t so easy on them all the time, I would not always have to be the bad guy!”
Is your spouse harsh with your kids? Or maybe you feel like you have to be harsh because your spouse doesn’t discipline?
Do parenting challenges seem difficult because you and your spouse are not on the same page? Is your upbringing different from your spouse causing you to see situations differently?
If you and your spouse are not on the same page in parenting, don’t worry. You are not alone. Most parents struggle with parenting unity.
But don’t accept it either. It may be common but it’s not ok. Parenting unity is a real blessing, and parenting disunity can cause real issues in your marriage and in your family.
It will certainly cause confusion in your kids. It can also lead them to try to manipulate the two of you which causes further friction in the home.
Parenting differences can also cause deep-seated resentment in your marriage which can lead to avoiding each other and not addressing key issues.
Want to know a key secret to developing parenting unity? One statement that can rock your parenting unity world in a good way?
Here it is: We agree on values, not methods.
If you are like 99% of the other marriages in this world, you and your spouse are different. You have different personalities, different upbringings, different Enneagram numbers, different ways you do things.
But in working with thousands of parents all over the world, we find that almost all parents can agree on values for their children.
What is a value? It’s simply something that is important to you. What are some value examples we can agree on for our kids? (These are examples only. All of these may not apply to every family nor is this by any means an exhaustive list.)
We want them to have a relationship with God.
We want them to work hard.
We want them to make wise decisions in life.
We want them to not be on their phone all the time or playing video games or watching pornography or whatever else with technology.
We want them to have purpose in life.
We want them to have good relationships with us and their siblings.
We want them to have good friends who are good influences on them.
Have a discussion with your spouse about values. Make it a date night! You’ll be amazed at what you agree on.
Then here’s the method part. Remember you and your spouse are different. You don’t have to use the same methods to accomplish your agreed-upon values. In fact, what if your differences are good? What if God purposefully brought two different people together so your different methods together could bless your child?
For example, let’s talk about screen time. Unity about screen time is a great discussion and will lead to an agreed-upon value for your child. Then one parent may be more techno-oriented, so they work on getting controls for the devices while another parent may be more relational and want to talk about the dangers of screen time with the child. Instead of arguing about methods, you use each other’s strengths to work toward the value together.
Or what about the value of working hard? One spouse may want to do a project with the child so they can see the example of hard work as the spouse and the child work together toward a common goal. The other spouse may want to put the child in a sport where they learn to work hard toward the common goal of team success. Both methods are awesome. Just different.
And then finally, let’s address the discipline issue. Almost always one parent wants more discipline, and one spouse thinks the other is too harsh or demanding. How can these parents get on the same page?
Start by focusing on the outcome you want – i.e. the value. Then – gently now for both of you – ask each other how they think their methods are going to accomplish your agreed-upon value. Be inquisitive instead of accusatory. Remember, you both love your child and want the best for them. As you both focus on the value, it becomes less of my way/your way and more of working together toward a common goal. Each of you may even become interested in adjusting your methods because now it is less of a fight and more of a collaboration.
Focusing on values instead of methods allows spouses to be comfortable in their differences while working together toward that valuable common goal – wanting the best for our children!
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