In the time of Jesus, there were two rabbis who dominated the scene. These rabbis were friendly rivals because their views on what was most important in life were different. Now I am not a Jewish scholar so I am very likely simplifying this substantially but basically one rabbi Shammai said that obedience was most important and would lead to love while the other rabbi Hillel said love was most important and would lead to obedience.
Which one would you side with? Does love lead to obedience or does obedience lead to love? Do we teach our kids to love others in order to want to do good or do we teach them to do good so they will love? It’s an important question because the answer to this question will guide our focus in parenting.
FYI — Jesus chose love.
In Matthew 22:36-40 the Jewish leaders asked Jesus, “What is the most important commandment?” He said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
He could have said anything. There were over 600 laws in the Old Testament and that does not even count the rules the Jewish leaders of Jesus’ day had added to the list.
He said love. And he didn’t just say it once, but twice. Love God and love others.
And by the way, Jesus knows something about motivating teenagers. He took 11 of them – the 12 disciples minus Judas who betrayed him – and literally changed the world. And he did it by focusing first on love.
As he is leaving his disciples to go die for them, what advice does he give them? “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” (John 15:12)
What do we focus on as parents? Are we more concerned with their outside behavior or are we focused on what is going on in their hearts? Do we focus on enforcing the rules or developing the relationship?
Do we focus more on obedience, or do we focus more on love?
You see, Jesus knew something about motivation. He knew that if he captured the hearts of his disciples through love, he could take unschooled teenagers and turn them into world changers.
It didn’t mean he was easy on them. No way. He challenged them with tough questions and challenged them to do hard things. But through it all, they always knew he believed in them, and he would love them in spite of their teenage mistakes and dumb questions.
Later in John 15, he tells them, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything I have learned from the Father I have made known to you.”
Isn’t that what we want for our kids? That we can take what we have learned about life and make it known to them? That we can have a relationship built on trust and security so they will be open to our counsel and hopefully not make the mistakes we made or worse?
Jesus said it starts with love. He is such a good example of a father. He motivates his disciples to be their best – to endure incredible hardship as they press on toward their purposes – while all the time they are so confident in his love for them.
Where are you in your relationship with your children? Does your child really know that you love them? That you are crazy about them? That you think they are amazing? That they are special to you?
Or would they say that your love is based on their performance? That they feel loved when they do the right things? When you are pleased with them?
Follow the example of Jesus and focus on love with your children. As you challenge them to be their best, let them know you will love them at their worst. And watch them become world changers.
