I had two parents who loved me in very different ways. I imagine a lot of us can say this. The relationships we have with each of our parents is as different as the parent themselves. In part because much of our parenting and the connection we build with our children is relevant to, and dependent on, the experience we had with our own mom and dad while growing up.
When it comes to raising our kids, we defer to what we learned in childhood, unless we reflect on our experience and choose to raise our kids in a different way.
With Mother’s Day recently past and Father’s Day around the corner, those of us who experience distant or strained relationships with mom or dad can struggle with how to acknowledge this day when our connection to that parent isn’t “happy.”
I remember as a young girl my dad would step in and take my two younger brothers and me on Saturday morning errand runs or out for walks after dinner. I imagine it was to give my mom a break or the ability to clean up our endless messes. As a girl, I felt special during these outings with my dad. He shared his favorite music with us, he sang (off key), told dad jokes, he was fun to be around! My dad was a playful parent!
As I headed into my teen years, my dad struggled with the changes I was going through and how to relate to me. He seemed to shift mainly into a protector and consequence giver. I don’t think he meant for this to happen, I just think he wasn’t sure how to deal with teen girl emotions and felt safest by stepping in to protect me from the unknowns of what my life would be like if I didn’t succeed in school or if I dated one of “those” boys.
Funny thing is, that’s exactly what happened… I did the bare minimum in high school and then dropped out of college after freshman year to have my first child.
Parents, be careful what you focus your attention on…
As I look back, in a lot of ways, my dad was trying to protect me from myself. However, my perception of those years was we didn’t really have a connection other than his being the rule maker and the person who handed out the punishment when I didn’t live up to his standards. I spent a lot of time avoiding my dad during my teens because I often felt his judgment. I didn’t feel I could talk to him about my problems like I could with my mom.
I needed more positive connection with my dad.
After a few bumpy years when my son was born, my dad and I managed to work our way back to a closer relationship. I got married to a hardworking man, had more kids, became the type of wife for my husband that my mom had been to dad for many years.
Our relationship had consistent contact, not deep father/daughter talks, but we could definitely converse. I felt he was interested in my life and pursuits, I admired that he was a lifelong learner whose favorite piece of advice to me was, “Do what you love and the money will come.”
To this day I use this statement as my mantra.
Last year I published a book which included some childhood experiences that impacted my adult journey. You see, as children we take on beliefs about ourselves based on the experiences we have with our primary caregivers. They are taken on unconsciously. We can also adopt our self-beliefs via other pivotal people in our lives such as extended family members, teachers, and coaches.
Childhood writes on us for life! Or until we process and make sense of it before adopting new, healthier self-beliefs.
Suffice it to say, my dad was uncomfortable with my book and, as a result, we’ve parted ways. What I’ve learned from this experience is there’s a very thin line between finding your voice and sharing your truth, and honoring the people who’ve brought you into the world.
This Father’s Day if you are struggling with a distant, strained, or non-existent relationship with your father, know two things…
First, you are not alone.
And second, while it is important to acknowledge and respect what our parents have poured into our lives, our relationship with our parent does not trump the relationship we have with ourselves.
